Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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