You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
MIDGETS
????
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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