soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
