I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
