the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
