I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
