Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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