It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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