Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
