I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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