That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's blow job season.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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