I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
