my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
