That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
