i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
