she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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