The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
