Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
