you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
