Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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