You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
