i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
