If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
There's always time for handjobs
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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