Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
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