I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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