if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
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all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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