what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
