My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
