my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
