There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
