This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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