I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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