how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
