lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We have so much sex to catch up on
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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