My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
