i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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