They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
