drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
