is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
