I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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