Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
