Redeem this text for a blowjob
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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