if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
