I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
