I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
