im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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