I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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