I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
