There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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