So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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