What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
try to milk me bitch
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
