some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
