The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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