She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
