No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
True strength comes from lack of pants
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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