I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
