wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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